How to Make Difficult Decisions
When I was in my 20’s, I was faced with a difficult life decision: stay in my hometown of Pittsburgh, PA and try to make a long distance relationship work, or move to New England and grow the relationship.
The timing was perfect for this opportunity. I was transitioning out of a failed business, I grew apart from my friends, and I had no other intimate relationships (we upgraded our relationship from dating to going steady — yes, I’m a bit old fashioned).
I knew this was the next step in our relationship, but the invitation for this growth was scary.
There were too many unknowns. I had no job or career path. I had nowhere to live. I was deep in debt and could barely rub two pennies together. And, my relationship with this woman was relatively new — I’ve only known her for less than a year.
I went back and forth in my head about this decision for weeks. I listed the pros and cons and “what-ifs”, and I wrote my fears and worries in my notebook. After all that writing and worrying, I was no better off and stuck in the same place I started.
Fuck it. I don’t need this stress
Yep, that’s where I was at. I was just about to kick the can down the road and decide later on. Luckily, life intervened (so I like to think) and I made a happy mistake. The next thing I did changed my life forever.
We hadn’t seen each other for sometime and I was missing her. So I started day dreaming about our future life together. I thought about the happy memories and the life we have created over the year. I was getting emotional and teary eyed. I felt warm and loved. My heart was open. In that moment, I decided to pursue our relationship full on. I would just have to figure out the details on the go, like where to live and a source of income — gulp!
Thirty days later I moved to New England. That was back in 2008.
Best. Decision. Ever.
What was the game changer? What gave me the edge to make such a great decision? Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was in the optimal state of being for making tough decisions. That state is coherence.
What is coherence
“Coherence is the state when the heart, mind and emotions are in energetic alignment and cooperation. It is a state that builds resiliency — personal energy is accumulated, not wasted — leaving more energy to manifest intentions and harmonious outcomes.” — HeartMath Institute
You see, I had a lot of stuck energy when faced with my relationship decision. I went round and round in my head debating about the positives and negatives, I worried about my debt, I worried about hurting my family, and then I took that anxiety and projected it into my future life in New England.
When you break it down like that, no wonder I couldn’t make a decision! Analysis paralysis, anyone?
Too often we look at our lives through a quantitative lens. We rely too heavily on the data, or in my case, rational thought. But the beauty and joy of life happens on the qualitative side. When we forget that beauty and joy, life becomes a series of calculated decisions that later leads to regret.
I freed my stuck energy by aligning my thoughts and emotions. I put down the quantitative lens and invited my heart into the decision making process.
I think it’s fine to consider the rationality of the decision. Go ahead and list your fears and write down the positive and negative consequences. Those practices can help soften the rigidity of your mind. But remember, you won’t receive all of the information to make the right decision unless you involve the heart.
Recognizing Coherence
How you feel determines your state of being. Feelings of love, appreciation, gratitude, and compassion are sign posts that you’re in coherence.
For example, anytime I recall a loving memory that involves my wife or two dogs, I feel warm and loved. Those types of feelings are good energy, not wasteful because my thoughts and feelings are in alignment. I’m in an optimal state of being for taking action. If I have any decisions on my plate, I weigh my options and make the decision as quickly as I can.
The feeling of gratitude or appreciation signals you’re in coherence. I like to take morning walks in nature. During those walks, I appreciate my life. I voice out loud what’s great about my life. I think about and appreciate past successes. I express appreciation for the love of my family and friends.
It’s hard to describe the feeling of appreciation. I associate appreciation with deeply caring about life — people, nature, and myself. Think about it. When you deeply care about something or someone, your heart is open. You’re coming from a place of love. Wouldn’t the energy of love throughout your body and mind be an optimal state of being for making decisions?
Another good sign post for coherence is being of service. Acts of true service are acts of generosity. You’re moving energy away from the small self and into providing value for others.
It’s a wonderful feeling to give and help people with their struggles. Before I wrote this article, I connected with the pain and frustration of making difficult decisions. I recalled memories of the hard choices I had and how much fear and worry I felt when faced with those choices. I remembered the frustrations and anger my family members went through when they were faced with tough decisions. Connecting with their heartaches, and mine, provided the motivation for this article; it drove me into a service-based mindset.
Anytime you’re providing service or feeling appreciative, that’s a good time to evaluate a tough decision and then commit.
Watch Out
Recognizing your state of coherence takes practice. You don’t want to be excited when making tough decisions. Excitement can lead to impulse decisions.
For example, you know how when you make a fun online purchase, and you’re excited and can’t wait for the product to arrive, and then after checkout you’re met with an up-sell? Yep — there’s a reason for that (there’s many reasons, actually). Mainly, the seller is trying to capitalize on your excitement and hopes you will make an impulse decision.
Be careful about being too excited when faced with an important decision. You may later regret that decision.
You also don’t want to be too peaceful or relaxed when making difficult decisions. Being cool as a cucumber can cause a nonchalant and I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude. You’ll make poor decisions in that state because, well, you don’t give a shit as to what happens.
Tips for getting into coherence
- Pay attention to your emotions and heart chakra. When you feel moved, loved, warmth, compassionate, teary-eyed, and/or appreciative, you’re in a state of coherence. Once you’re there, I recommended journaling about your decision and weigh your options.
- Think about heartfelt memories or imagine the faces of your loved ones and pets.
- Listen to songs or watch movies that touch your heart and soul. I’m really into the band This Will Destroy Me on Spotify. It’s all instrumental, but a lot of their songs are a nice balance between peaceful and inspiring.
- Try yoga or Zen meditation. Almost everyday I practice yoga with Adriene on YouTube (she’s awesome, BTW!). When I’m done with my 30 minute yoga practice, I feel a nice balance between my heart and mind.
- Walk in nature and appreciate your life. Check out my Instagram post for more details about that.
- If you have access to the ocean, go there just before sunrise, watch the sunrise, and then journal about what you are grateful for in that moment.
- Snuggle with a loved one or a pet or both. Hug instead of handshake.
- Create service-based intentions. Instead of focusing on intentions that serve or better yourself, move the energy outward into giving, service, purpose, and making a difference for the world. Or, if you do have self-centered (not in a bad way) intentions, turn it around and find how this self-centered intention is good for others and life? For example, how is me earning $100,000 good for others? If you can’t find a few reasons, it’s probably best to ditch that intention.
Final thoughts
Nowadays, I find it almost impossible to completely rely on thought or rational thinking alone. With so much information, disinformation, misinformation, and rapidly changing environments, how can we make accurate and healthy decisions with only the quantitative lens?
Coherence is a reliable state of being because there’s cooperation and alignment between your mind and heart. The coherence feeling or signal in your body won’t change, it’s not slippery or inconsistent like your mind. Coherence is something solid that you can lean on. You can trust yourself, and the decisions you make, when in a state of coherence.
Next time you’re faced with a big life decision, check in with your body. Notice how it feels. Is it tight or tense? Check in with your thoughts. Are you trying to rationalize your way through the decision? Check in with your heart. Are you swirling around with worry and anxiety?
If so, you’re out of alignment. Put the decision down and get into a state of coherence. When you’re in a state of coherence, you’ll have less resistance and more personal energy to create harmonious situations and circumstances.
